The OC Friday Morning Hangover: The Brown'pisode

Oh Mr. Schwartz, how bored and lonely you must be. You came up with the ingenius plan of having Seth dupe everyone, save for Mr. Fists of Fury, into thinking he's Ivy League material. This is a larger lie than a former UW-L baseball coach saying he's, "clean and sober." But more on Kiki later. The Seth thing was annoying right off the bat, now it's borderline comical. I'm fairly certain he's the first high school kid in the history of America to fly from coast-to-coast to try to salvage 5 minutes of a geek dean's time, pleading to be let into Brown. After a conversation with my colleague JG last evening, we discussed that with three episodes left, there are a lot of loose ends still to be tied up, but it's really growing on us how Schwartz is taking this 'green' thing way to far and recycling all his old story lines. But first, let me proudly proclaim, I'M BACK!

But I'm back for all the wrong reasons. I used to loathe the idea of Schwartz pilfering ideas from me, now I'm throwing him a bone for the sake of my favorite show and favorite television couple in history. If any half-assed OC fan has paid attention to the most valuable source for OC poop (high school girls.....insert your Platta dig here please) you have clearly heard of the two biggest rumors surrounding the end of season three:

1. Sandy dies of a heart attack
2. Summer gets pregnant

JG and I have already vowed that if Schwartz kills off the Sandman, we're out. Maybe I'll read some other kids blog about the show, but season four with no Sanford? No thanks. That's going too far Josh, you know, we all know it. Besides, you'll have noticed in my lead paragraph that I already hit on recycled story lines and that's a good thing because never before have we witnessed the top dog at the Newport Group pass away.

As for the Summer getting knocked up story line? Please, didn't we do this with Ryan and Thersea in season one? Sure, kids in high school get pregnant with "oops" babies these days, nearly everyone knows of somebody...but not every...single...person. But I guess, why not right? I'm eagerly looking forward to next season when Taylor gets knocked up by some French dude. And why stop there? Let's revisit some other stories. Bring Jimmy back and have him bankrupt some folk. Make Dr. Robert's gay. Have Sandy try to build the new hospital on the Balboa Wetlands (that would actually be pretty funny come to think of it.)

And we're supposed to believe that the baby isn't Ryans? Please. I saw the close up head shot of the kid in my OC Insider email. I'm no Hollywood insider either, but I'm guessing that producers usually don't cast a kid just for him to not have any significance at all.

Short and sweet this week folks. But I pose this closing question to you. Will Schwartz have this alledged 'most shocking finale in the history of TV' be another bittersweet/sad ending just like seasons uno and duece? Seems to be the theme around OC central.

QUESTIONS FROM THE COUCH:
1. Is Berkeley and Brown paying for product placement?
2. Did I miss something with Atomic County suddenly being front and center again?
3. What's the first thing a parent whose child is accepted to college says? "Let's see your letter honey."
4. What is Nate Filzen doing these days?
5. How many proms does Harbor High get?

The OC Friday Morning Hangover: The Adios Johnny'pisode

If you take one thing away from this here blog today it is: don't see the movie about the babysitter and the creep who keeps calling and gets the kids. I already forgot its name it looks that bad. Well Johnny died! Or did he? The episode was appropriately titled "The Cliffhanger" in ode to having to wait a week to find out if Johnny got 86'd by tequila or if he simply broke his other leg. C'mon Jonathan, everyone knows tequila's a fightin' booze. Had you romanced the 15-year-old by the fire with some rum ala Jack Sparrow, all would be well. But you're dead! Or at least that's what we're hoping. For the one person who reads this that was a fan of Johnny and wants to see him "act" again, tune into the made for TV movie that CBS will advertise during the NCAA Tournament. It worked wonders for Shannon Lucio in "Shark Attack" last year. Allright then, aspirin? Check. Bloody? Check. 2K6 Salary Spreadsheet? Not published yet.

Dr. Roberts fell for Julie Cooper-Nicol-Cooper-Roberts anyway. DEAR MR. SCHWARTZ, IT'S SO EFFING OBVIOUS YOU'RE GOING TO USE THE NAME I JUST WROTE LATER THIS SEASON, IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY YOU D'BAG. God Bless the scene of Julie in her oversive glasses and shall. Hi-larious, watching her be at an utter loss for words. And more importantly, Summer and Marissa get to be sisters! Hoo-Rah! And going with little fanfare, was the fact that Kirsten's plan worked after all.

I'm setting the over-under on weeks until Kirsten re-takes over the Newport Group at four. There, I said it Schwartz. Prove me wrong. You already had Seth toke up you tough guy.

Seth continues to pass the dutchie to the left hand side whilst rocking out to The Cure, or whatever band that was. And because of his blue screen gazing, Summer knows he's a young Sandy in the wings. Nothing a little pink bra can't fix next week. Could Seth and Summer be hitting their first true rocky spot of season three? Who knows, but I hope next time Seth is merrily toking his J-Bird under his windowsill, I hope he's just jamming out to Sean Paul "We be burnin'."

If Johnny had one thing going for him that I tip my hat to, it's that I don't think I've ever met a dude who can just up and profess his love to the princess of his respected city like it was no big deal. That'd be like senior year of HS Filzen, just marching up to the Queen of the WB and professing his love to Duke, Alabama, the Yankees, Green Bay, the Cubs, the Celtics, her, West Salem and whoever is favored to win the Lingerie Bowl...in that order. Highly unlikely, he's probably more prone to receive over two dollars worth of text messages from me, JG and another random number. Wait, my copy editor is handing me a piece of paper, opps, I guess that did happen. Those editor/fact checkers are tightening up these days thank you very much James Frey.

Before I peace out here, was the last five minutes as crazy and batshit crazy as it was billed? Did anybody doubt a hammered Johnny was going for a spill? I'm out, Pittsburgh by 17.

QUESTIONS FROM THE COUCH:
1. A 15 year old girl has several pulls of tequila and we're supposed to believe she's sober?

2. All those concerts those kids go to at the Bait Shop and they seriously don't know what a guy who was just smoking weed smells like? Nice slip up Schwartz. Ba-Zing!

3. What does Marissa do to all these poor Newport Beach guys? Oliver, Johnny? She's going to be on the FBI watch list soon, not that the entire nation isn't already.

4. If I jumped off a cliff everytime a girl "just wanted to be friends," pretty sure I would never have known the simple pleasure of TNST.

5. Will Kaitlyn's character be 86'd now that Johnny is (hopefully) gone?

DRIVIN' DOWN THE 101:
I believe, and I could use that fact checker again here, that the last time Julie was all done up in her shall and big'ums glasses was in episode one of season three, when she entered the hospital, black mailing Trey.

IF YOU BELIEVE THEY PUT A MAN ON THE MOON
...you can believe (sigh) that Johnny is alive.

...you can believe Kaitlyn will continue to try to wreack havoc on Marissa and Ryan.

...you can believe Sandy will teach his son how to properly roll a fattie!

The OC Friday Morning Hangover: The Tough Guy'pisode

You wanna play hard ball Schwartz? Fine. You got me on that low and away slider when I was looking for that high cut fastball. Because of your constant pilfering of this blogs ideas with no posted comments at least saying, "Hey California's great, peace, Schwartz," I'm taking a hiatus from the Hangover. For the record your next episode is bound to blow.

"I'm 17, you're 14."

Seth tokes up, just to show us that you have the moxie to make him do it.

I'm out.